Imagine you walk into this week’s regular staff meeting. It’s always been a meeting you loathed because your boss used it as a simple task assignment meeting, where he simply goes person-by-person assigning everyone new tasks for the week. No discussion, no input from anyone else on the team, no collaboration. This meeting has always been the definition of the meeting that should’ve been an email…or, you know, maybe one run by a better boss.
But the meeting today…this is the first one with your new boss, since the previous one has moved on to a new position. And to be honest though, you doubt anything will change.
However, the meeting kicks off and you’re immediately thrown off because it is not starting the way you expected. Andrea, your new boss, looks at you first and says, “Hi, I’m Andrea, the new team manager, what’s your name? Nice to meet you, Josh! So, what are your priorities this week and in what ways can I help you to meet them?”
Whoa…you weren’t expecting that. Nor are you prepared to answer her question! Things suddenly seem different. There’s a different energy in the room. This boss seems interesting…and she seems interested in you and your contributions too. You feel a little nervous, like you need to immediately step up your game. But you’re also curious and thrilled. This different approach that Andrea is using seems exciting, like a whole new way of working is possible for the team. And…next week’s staff meeting doesn’t seem to be so dreadful anymore.
Today, let’s talk about what happens when we take a more coach-like approach to how we lead. It’s a powerful developmental tool, but also one that is pretty nuanced. It requires us to make some shifts in how we lead…from directing…to empowering and creating space for others to lead in. So, let’s dive into what coach-like leadership is, why it matters, and then specific strategies to help form it into a natural habit in how we lead. Let’s jump in.
Welcome to the 3x5 Leadership podcast where we champion intentional leaders who create significant impacts. In this show, we share simple, practical strategies to help you live, lead, and learn more intentionally. I’m Josh and I am so glad you’ve joined us for today’s episode.
We recently shared an article that explored the concept of developmental communication…that every moment and every interaction we have with our people is an opportunity for development. We discussed that leaders can…and should…tailor their leadership approaches to maximize the developmental impact of the moment based on the other person’s and the situation’s specific needs. So, if you’re interested in digging into that article, we have it linked in the show notes.
But one of the key forms of developmental communication that leaders can employ is coaching. Of all our developmental tools available…think feedback, teaching, mentoring, and giving guidance…coaching is the one that provides the richest, deepest, and longest-lasting development we can offer. It provides the greatest challenge, too, pushing our people outside their mental, physical, and maybe even emotional comfort zones. Coaching is one of the best ways to maximize the developmental impact of any moment and interaction with our people.
Now, to start, we need to understand what a coaching style is. Leader-as-coach, which we will call coaching leadership for the simplicity in this episode, is nothing more than using questions and feedback instead of making decisions or giving guidance. This style emphasizes facilitating, nurturing, and empowering our people through their responsibilities rather than pushing the easy button and giving advice, providing guidance to direct their every step, or making decisions for them, which we would normally expect from a traditional authoritative managerial figure.
Coaching leadership focuses on maximizing the long-term development of others rather than immediate efficiency by getting to a leader-provided solution as fast as possible. This style focuses on developing people in a way that is aligned with the organization’s goals, fosters a culture of intrinsic motivation and continuous growth, and provides for sustained performance through improved team member self-sufficiency.
Coaching leadership is questions, feedback, and the divestment of control…as opposed to the traditional leader-centric model we are used to where we are the ones providing all guidance, making all decisions, and directing all the actions of our people.
Now, I think it’s worth clarifying a few reasons why coaching leadership is important, and I want to do so by sharing an example interaction where a manager – Ani – uses a coaching style with his employee, Sarah, who is the department’s creative designer.
Ani starts by saying, “Hey Sarah, just wanted to check in on the design project you’ve been working on. How’s it going?”
Sarah responds, “Hi Ani, yeah…to be honest, it’s been a bit challenging. I’m struggling with what kind of design theme I want to go with for this client.”
Ani asked what specifically she is struggling with.
“Well,” Sarah continues, “I’m not sure what direction to take. I’m considering a few options, but none seem to fit as well as I want them to.”
Ani pauses, then offers, “Ok, let’s break this down then. What are your main objectives for this project and how do they relate to the specific design?”
Sarah is quick to answer, “The main objectives are to increase user engagement and improve ease of usability. So, the design needs to be intuitive and visually appealing.”
Ani: “Ok, good start! Now, let’s think about the target audience. Who are they, and what is important to them?”
Sarah: “Our target audience is mainly young professionals in the tech industry who value simplicity and modern, sleek aesthetics.”
Ani smiles, “Awesome. Now, keeping that in mind, how do you think each design option aligns with the objectives and preferences of this target audience?”
Sarah raises her eyebrows and slowly responds, “Well, design option A is sleek and minimalistic, which might appeal to our audience’s preference for simplicity. Option B, though, is more colorful and dynamic, which could enhance user engagement.”
Ani injects, “Sarah, it sounds like you’ve already identified the strengths of both options. Now, let’s think about the potential drawbacks of each and how they relate to the objectives.”
Sarah, a little more confidently now, says, “Right. Option A might be too minimalistic and could risk appearing bland, while option B might be too busy and could overwhelm users.”
Ani responds, “Great points! So, based on what we’ve discussed, which option do you think best aligns with our objectives and target audience?”
Sarah says, “Now that I’m thinking about it more, I believe a combination of the sleekness from option A with some of the dynamic elements inspired by option B could be the way to go. It would offer simplicity while still being visually engaging.”
Ani then asks, “That sounds like a solid approach, Sarah. How do you plan to implement this hybrid design?”
Sarah, seeming to respond with confidence and ease, “I’ll start sketching out some initial ideas combining elements from both options and then get some feedback from the team before refining it further.”
Ani concludes, “Seems like you have a solid plan then! Keep up the great work. And, of course, let me know if there is anything I can do to help.”
Sarah, pulling out drafting paper to get started immediately says, “Thanks Ani. I appreciate your support. I’ll keep you updated with the progress here.”
What stood out to you in this interaction between Ani and Sarah? I think this example demonstrates four important benefits of coaching leadership. First, think of the popular proverb of “if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.” Coaching leadership is about teaching people how to fish. Ani didn’t give guidance or even make suggestions to Sarah. He actually didn’t do anything other than ask questions, really. Sarah did all the work to think through the challenge. This approach builds Sarah’s self-sufficiency so that down the road, she needs less guidance, help, and resources from Ani. She becomes more capable. This gives her greater working space improving the value she adds to the team, and generates more working capacity for Ani so he can put his attention to other things that create value for the team.
Second, Sarah remained in the driver’s seat through the whole conversation. She remained the owner of the project and what design decision to make. She didn’t absolve herself, push the easy button, and put the burden of responsibility on Ani to make a decision or give guidance. Nor did Ani take the design reins. Sarah remained the owner of the challenge. In coaching leadership, our people remain engaged as stakeholders, keeping them bought in to the process and the outcome. They, like Sarah, are not mere task executors, but owners of the responsibility throughout.
Third, this conversation stretched Sarah’s critical and creative thinking. She wrestled with a lot of things, like different perspectives on the project, pros and cons of design options, and even her own feelings about it. Sarah had to think through the situation thoughtfully and more deeply, which pushed her maybe not all the way outside of her comfort zone, but at least to the peripheral of it. Through this, she was stretching her critical and even creative thinking abilities.
Lastly, Sarah very likely walked away from the conversation a bit more confident. Sure, she feels confident about her new course of action with the project design, which is great. But more importantly, she likely feels more confident about her abilities, her intuition, and her decision-making. Sarah’s self-efficacy went up and she has realized that she has good ideas and is plenty capable herself.
Ok, so we have talked through what coaching leadership is and explored why it’s important by analyzing a simple example. Now, how can we put coaching into action as leaders? Let’s look at a few helpful strategies that we can put into practice now to start building this coaching style as a habit. I hope these strategies help us realize that coaching leadership is not impossible or too complex for us to have a hand at.
First, and likely most important, is that we need to quiet our advice and guidance monsters…or at least delay them for as long as we can. As leaders, we love to add value. And we often feel as though we are adding the most value when we are solving problems by making decisions, giving guidance, or offering advice. They get quick results, are decisive, and produce almost immediate and tangible returns on our investment. But it is also the easy button for our people. They are given the answer, told what to do, and have to put less mental energy into the situation. They are absolved of responsibility. So, instead, we need to quiet that little monster inside us that wants to give the answer and solve the problem. We don’t need to get rid of it altogether, no. Leaders do need to give direction when appropriate. However, when the situation calls for coaching, though, we need to delay that guidance and advice monster from coming out just a little bit longer. Bottom line, if coaching feels lazy, you’re likely on the right track.
The second strategy is to focus on the power of open-ended questions. I like to simplify this approach and encourage leaders to try and ask twice as many questions as statements you make. We can look back to Ani’s example from earlier. When you break down his contributions and remove the filler comments, Ani asks eight questions and only makes five statements. And even then, his statements are focused on reflecting back what he heard, like when he said, “it sounds like you’ve already identified the strengths of both options.” Beyond that, the remainder of the statements are mostly feedback. So, over 60% of what Ani contributed were questions…and the statements he made focused on reflecting back what he heard and offering small bits of feedback. Never in his 13 sentences did he offer guidance, advice, or a decision.
Moreover, Ani’s questions were open-ended to encourage Sarah into a deeper exploration of her thinking. And on top of that, I recommend we focus on using what and how questions, and less on why questions. Though we may not intend it, questions that start with why can easily come off as judgmental, which will stymie the conversation. So, when looking to implement coaching leadership, set a goal to ask twice as many questions as statements we make, and ask open-ended what and how questions.
A third strategy is to acknowledge our coaching leadership approach with our teammates to bring clarity to the style and the goal. I remember when I was first putting my own coaching style into action a few years ago, and I realized one of my teammates was noticeably having a hard time with it. Finally, during one of our conversations after I had asked him several questions about his plan for the project we were visiting, he stopped, looked at me, and said, “Sir, can you just tell me what you want me to do here? All these passive aggressive questions seem pointless when you can just tell me what to do.”
Whoa, I was definitely caught off guard with that one. After discussing his feedback a little further, I learned that he mistook my coaching style for a terrible passive aggressive approach where I wanted to get him to do my plan but didn’t want to tell him to do it directly. So, it took me explaining my approach to help him understand the intent. After that, things went great between us, but this event taught me the importance of establishing some form of contract with our people.
And when I say contract, I don’t mean some binding statement on paper or even just verbally. All it really needs to be is a short, simple acknowledgement of the approach and if our people are ok with it. For me, I like stating and asking this, “hey, I see you’ve got this going on and I’d love to talk with you about it. Is it ok if I ask you a few questions to make sure we have thought about this issue thoroughly and completely? I’m not going to make a decision for you or give guidance, but I’d love to explore it a bit together.” Not every coaching scenario or relationship requires this, but be prepared to establish a contract to prevent building unintended frustration when we begin our lines of coaching questions.
Number four is to simply listen! Listen to understand and connect, though, not to merely respond. Pay attention to their tone, language and word choice, body language, and even what they are not saying. Show empathy and interest in what they are sharing with your own body language and verbal affirmation responses. Be present.
Now, with this strategy, I’m pretty challenged when people tell me to listen and to not be so caught up in what to say or ask next. Like, ok, if that’s the case, then when do I determine what question to ask back or to say next? I still want to be value added and ensure I’m asking good questions back to them.
So, if you’re thinking that right now too, I just want to say I’m with you. But in time and with some practice, I’ve come to learn that silent pauses during conversations are ok. And not only are they ok, but they are powerful. They create time and space for our emotions to play out, but also in the case of being a present listener, they create the time and space for us to then figure out how to respond. When they are sharing, focus on them, their words, their emotions. And when they are done talking, allow for a couple second pause. Trust me, they know you’re listening, that you care, and also that you’re figuring out what to say back. It’s ok. So, use those few seconds to then craft your response. I’ve found this approach much easier for me, causing me less anxiety about what to say back, and creates a sense of elevated vulnerability between the other person and me too, which I believe only adds to the positive impact of the discussion.
Number 5 is to encourage self-reflection during discussions. When coaching, we can use our questions to not only help people get to a self-discovered plan of action, but can also help them make sense of what they are thinking and how they are feeling about the topic at hand. Easy questions like “what do you think went well?” or “what would you do differently next time?” are great ways to guide someone into some thoughtful introspection to evaluate their own performance, development, and emotions. We can give them feedback, which we will talk about next, sure, but using questions to guide their own self-reflection is a great way to make sense of things, make mental connections to different ideas, and help them feel more at ease about the issue we are discussing.
I also like to use this strategy when someone asks me for my insight. It’s a way to encourage them to keep digging deeper before I inject…think back to our advice and guidance monster. So, when someone asks me what I think about something and I’m looking to employ coaching leadership…aiming to delay adding my two cents, I simply respond with “well, first, I’m interested in what you think about it.”
Strategy 6 is to employ feedback. Now, today’s episode is not talking about how to give feedback better or anything, though it is an extremely important topic. But I will say that we need to ensure that our feedback is specific, actionable, and focused on behavior rather than the person. So, when delivering feedback, use a model where you identify the behavior, share its impact on people or the environment, and include a specific situation that you have observed it to ensure it is anchored to a confirmed behavior rather than a subjective perception. And deliver the feedback in a way that is supportive and aimed at helping the person learn and grow, not just pointing out where they are falling short.
Ok, that’s my short soapbox about feedback, but for this strategy, I want to focus on injecting feedback into our approach and to do so before we give advice or guidance. When employing coaching leadership and aiming to delay when we give guidance or advice, a way that we can do that is to give feedback instead of sharing what we think. So, when coaching, use a model of questions, then feedback, and then advice. When we engage in a coaching-based discussion, start with our open-ended questions. But when we feel the conversation transitioning and our questions are starting to hit some obstacles…or we feel like we are running out of questions…then transition to offering some feedback. It’s a great way to stimulate the conversation and put the ball back in their court by enabling a conversation around that. And it’s a great way to keep delaying our tendency to give guidance or advice. So, remember questions, then feedback, then guidance.
Now, these last few strategies are just simple reminders…nothing new we haven’t talked about on this podcast before or that aren’t pretty straightforward. Strategy 7 is to bring energy and optimism to the conversation. Wrestling with problems, challenges, or decisions is hard, leading many to get caught up in the emotions or to be overwhelmed by the situation. As a coach, we can help settle nerves, bring perspective, and inject optimism and energy into the conversation. We can help people find opportunity in the challenge at hand.
Number 8 is to focus on goals. What is the goal of this conversation? How can I add value to the other person with whatever they are wrestling with or what’s on their mind. We should aim to have them walk away from the conversation with a self-created plan of action or at least a next step.
But strategy 9 is to also ensure we attend to the emotions surrounding the topic. During the conversation, don’t be afraid to acknowledge peoples’ feelings and be willing to help them confront those emotions. Even simple statements like, “I see this is frustrating” can do a lot to help people mentally and emotionally manage the challenging situation.
Ok, so I hope this dive into some strategies helps us realize that coaching leadership is possible, is not too complicated, and is really nothing more than a few thoughtful habits put into action.
Now, I want to quickly address two last things before we conclude today. First is to offer a few considerations to remember when putting coaching leadership into action. And the second is to end with one final example of what a coaching leadership approach can look like to help us see that this approach can apply to many different work environments and challenges. So, let’s go through some important considerations.
For one, while we do say that coaching may feel like a lazy approach because we are not deciding, advising, or giving guidance, coaching leadership actually does require a considerable amount of time and energy from leaders. Not only are we suppressing our advice and guidance monster, but we are mapping out lines of questioning in our heads to make sure the conversation is beneficial and productive; we are focusing on being fully present in the moment with the other person; and we are ensuring all this is in fact adding value to the other person. So, I think it’s fair to acknowledge that coaching leadership takes a lot of work and leader energy! And that means it will take a bit of practice just like any worthy skill to develop.
Second, I think it’s important to remember that coaching leadership is designed to plant seeds and grow the saplings of trees that will take a long time to fully mature…and sometimes to become trees that we may never actually get to see or enjoy as leaders. Coaching is a long-term investment to develop the skills of our 2nd and 3rd generations of leaders. We won’t get immediate ROI on our efforts. We do this because we care about their future, the organization’s future, and are willing to put in the work now to make that possible for years down the road.
Third, coaching leadership is also a means of divesting control, power, and ownership to others. We remove ourselves as the focal point of leadership and the current issue…and place someone else there. Some leaders may struggle with this, which I appreciate. But it is an act of delegating, empowering, and developing through challenging experiences. We need to be willing to let go control.
Fourth, consider how to approach coaching-based discussions because we can easily come in with a plan to talk about what we want to talk about as the boss or leader in the scenario, but that might not always be the thing they want to talk about…or need to talk about. So, recognize when to initiate a conversation on a focused topic, like Ani did with Sarah in the earlier example…but also when to initiate a conversation with no prepared agenda, and instead a curiosity about what is on their mind. Kind of like Andrea, our new fictional boss from the start of the episode, did at our made up staff meeting. And if the idea of starting a coaching-based conversation with no pre-planned agenda is a little foreign to you, I love starting with two questions. First, ask “hey, what’s on your mind?” Then, after their initial response or a great dialog, ask “ok, what else?”
Fifth, this coaching style approach to leading and developing others is not restricted to a boss-employee relationship. The true beauty and power of this style is that almost anyone can use it. A mentor can use it toward a mentee to push them out of their normal thinking space. A parent can use it with their kid who is facing a tough challenge at school. A sports coach can use it with an athlete. Even a colleague can use it with a work peer who is venting about something. The colleague can using coaching to elevate the conversation a bit to make it more productive than mere venting and gossip. We can use this approach in a lot of areas in life.
And finally, six, remember that this coaching approach is not meant to be used at all times and for all scenarios. There are times we should teach, times we should mentor by offering perspective or advice. There are times we should give guidance and make the decision. Coaching is just one of the available tools in our kitbag of developmental approaches to how we lead. We just need to recognize when to apply this tool. And I don’t think there is an exact answer on when. There’s not one right way, but probably a number of good ways. For me, I look to using a coaching approach under three basic conditions – I’m looking to push someone out of their comfort zone to add a little friction to their development. The person has a little bit of experience to base their thinking on. And they show a willingness and openness to learning. When those three conditions overlap, I push full steam ahead with a coaching leadership style.
Now, I’d like to end the episode by offering one final example of a conversation when a leader takes a coaching style approach. I want to offer it to, one, help people understand what this approach can look, sound, and feel like if this is new. And two, I also want to show that this approach can apply to various situations…because this one is focused on talking though interpersonal conflict in a hospital environment. So, let’s look at the conversation between Alex and Will. And mind you, I am not a hospital professional in any way, so please be patient with the language and industry references I make if you do work in patient care…because I really have no idea what I’m actually talking about here!
Alex, the head shift nurse starts with, “Hey Will, I've noticed you've been a bit on edge lately. Is everything okay in your shift team?”
Will responds a bit coldly, “Actually, Alex, I've been having some trouble with another nurse, Lisa. We keep disagreeing about patient care priorities on our shift, and it’s starting to affect the atmosphere in the ward.”
Alex calmly responds “I'm sorry to hear that. Can you tell me a bit more about what exactly you're disagreeing on?”
Will says “Sure, I feel strongly that we need to focus more on proactive patient monitoring to prevent emergencies, but Lisa believes that dedicating more time and resources to immediate patient concerns is more beneficial. It feels like we’re always at odds.”
Alex pauses, then says “It sounds like both of you are really committed to patient care, but just have different perspectives on how to prioritize tasks. Have you both had a chance to sit down and discuss your strategies openly?”
Will: “We've tried, but the conversations usually get tense pretty quickly and don't lead anywhere productive.”
Alex then asks “What if we try a different approach? Maybe you both could come prepared to discuss specific examples where your strategies have been effective. Also, it could help to map out how both priorities could be integrated during a shift.”
Will responds cautiously “Yeah, that might be useful. I haven’t really considered how our approaches could be complementary instead of conflicting.”
Alex then says “Exactly. How about this: I'll set up a time for you two to meet with me in person. We can look at the shift schedule together and see if there's a way to allocate time for both proactive monitoring and addressing immediate patient needs effectively.”
Will, a bit more energetic now says “I think that could help us a lot. I know Lisa has good intentions, and I do too. Finding some middle ground could definitely improve things within our team.”
Alex: “I'm glad to hear you're open to working this out together. Remember, you both do have valuable perspectives, and combining your strengths could lead us to better care for our patients. I’d love to see if we can benefit from a collaborative approach rather than one rooted in conflict.”
Will: “Ok, thanks for your help, Alex. I appreciate you talking to me about this and being willing to help us.”
So, is there an event or an issue coming up this week where you can plan and prepare to practice coaching leadership?
What strategies stand out to that you believe you want to…and should…employ?
How will you initiate that conversation?
And remember, getting feedback from the other person is helpful too, to allow us assess our effectiveness and to continue developing our skills. Don’t be afraid to ask at the end of the conversation, “how did this conversation land with you? And where was it most helpful? Where could I have been more helpful?”
And if you’re interested in exploring more on this topic, we have a few other episodes to recommend. First, check out episode #22 how to deal with conflict, which can be a great pairing on how to approach group dynamics within your team with a developmental approach. You can also listen to episode #11 words matter, which can help us to be deliberate in the language we use during these conversations. Finally, check out episode #8 giving autonomy, which is part 2 of our 3-part series about motivation. Coaching is a means to divest control and give autonomy, so this episode can help us think more deeply about what autonomy actually is. And we have links to all 3 episodes in the show notes for you too.
Now, as you go, I invite you to give our show a like and review if you found this episode helpful. We can always use the street cred. Also, subscribe to 3x5 Leadership via email to get our weekly insights delivered directly to your inbox. And finally, consider becoming a 3x5 patron to help us make stuff like this episode possible. You’ll also get additional exclusive weekly content when you do. You can find links to all these in the show notes.
Thanks for joining us for today’s episode! I hope it has equipped you to lead more intentionally this week. And, more importantly, thanks for leading with care wherever you serve. It matters and is positively impacting peoples’ lives.
So, until next episode, friends, please take care and lead well.
