Tracy was back in my office, fuming. "I'm getting so sick of having to ask Finn for things multiple times, having him ghost me on responses, and finally when he does respond, having it always be him telling me that 'this isn't the way we should do it.' I have literally spent hours with Hank writing emails telling Finn that he needs to do it our way, and each time he comes back to me, takes Hank off the email, and tells me that Hank isn't giving me good direction. I'm sick of being in the middle of this - I feel like I'm trying to be Switzerland between two angry countries that are each tossing me a grenade and telling me to then throw it at the other one. Finn and I used to get along really well, but since Hank has started telling me how he thinks things should be done, it often differs from Finn's proposed method, and for the past several weeks now we've all just gotten totally stuck in a vicious cycle. If we can't get this figured out, I'm gonna start looking for other work. I love this mission and this project, but I just don't think I can do this anymore."
This was the conversation that took place in my own office just 2 weeks ago. While the names are changed for this illustration, the surprise, and yes, dread, I was feeling at hearing this was very real. This was already a mess, and it had the potential to turn into a full-scale 5-alarm fire if I didn't do something, and soon. It was clear - I needed to address conflict on my team.
Hey friends, and welcome to the 3x5 Leadership podcast! My name is JJ Morgan, one of the members of the 3x5 Leadership team, and I’m excited to join you for Episode 22 of our show. Today, we are going to discuss how leaders diagnose conflict, decide how to handle that conflict, and then enact and monitor their plan to address it. We'll talk about the difference between conflict and tension, as well as explore a leaders responsibility in the conflict resolution process. Let’s get to it!
As a leader, you cannot afford to allow conflict to persist. There is a difference between tension and conflict
Define tension - unease that exists as a result of different perspectives and opinions, sometimes approaching strong disagreement, but never at the expense of relationship
Define conflict - when that unease and disagreement reaches a point of impasse; there is now a perceived "right and wrong" answer, and the relationship begins to devolve because positions on the matter have become more important than people.
A leader must be able to recognize the difference, embrace tension and harvest the productive insights that can be generated to grow the team, while reigning in conflict and righting the course for the organization or team.
Tension can be productive; conflict can be destructive.
Conflict on your team often stems from miscommunication, and is catalyzed by pride (from one or both parties). We could have an entire mini-series on communication, but the elements of effective communication that stand out most are:
Intent based: what is the desired end-state you are looking to achieve? The beauty of intent-based communication is that it serves as a forcing function to us, making us pause to ask ourselves - "what do I hope to accomplish here?". You've heard Josh mention before the use of "WAIT" as a leader tool - "Why Am I Talking?"…while we typically use that tool to moderate our own communication as leaders to ensure we create space for others, it also serves to help you and I make sure we are being intentional and intent-based in our communication, carefully and clearly crafting a "why" for our communication. On the topic of clarity, our next element of effective communication is clarity.
Clarity: Have you clearly articulated, at a granular level, what you are seeking? Hopefully, you know better than anyone else, what it is that you are seeking to communicate. This is especially true if you have taken the time to develop an intent-based approach to communicating. But, have you taken the time to also ensure you are being clear in what it is you are communicating? Have you been specific, concise, and ensured that you have very plainly laid out exactly WHAT it is you are saying, in support of the reason WHY you are saying it? Clarity in communication is critical! Without clarity, we stand a strong chance of confusing someone (at best), or frustrating and angering them (or worse!). We can avoid some of the frustrated and angry responses to unclear communication when we assume a collaborative approach. What does it mean to…
Assume a collaborative approach: Are you engaging with the other party with the best outcome for the team in mind, or with your own agenda? Are you engaging with them as if they are a collaborator, seeking the best outcome for the team? Brene Brown discusses the concept of "armoring up", where we approach people and situations with our guard up, fully ensconced in armor, as one who is ready to do battle. Does that sound like an effective way to approach collaborating with a team member for the best outcome? Absolutely not! Instead, we must be willing to remove the armor, to set aside any preconceived notions of "I'm right and they are wrong", and instead, assume that the audience on the other end of my communication wants to have a collaborative and productive working relationship with me. This doesn’t mean that we have to be besties outside of our professional context, but it does mean that I have to be willing to be a bit, dare I say, vulnerable with the way I communicate. If I assume a collaborative approach in my communication, yes, I may open myself to disappointment, frustration, or friction. However, I have to ask - what's the cost of the opposite, the cost of always being on my guard and assuming that there will be struggle? That
Personal pride has little to no role on the team. The cliché "There is no I in Team" comes to mind; when we allow our personal pride to play a role, we undermine effective communication and create conditions ripe for conflict. Much as mold and mildew grow and thrive in damp dark conditions, conflict seeds, sprouts, and thrives in environments of poor communication and the presence of personal pride. Some clear indicators or personal pride are seen when:
Someone is always "right" or "wrong", reducing the discussion to a binary decision
Someone excels at pointing out problems, without offering solutions or offering to be part of the solution
Someone is unable to see or accept that they may have a shortcoming or fault that contributes to underperformance
So when we see or experience conflict in our organization, what are we to do? There are a few steps to the process of addressing conflict in your organization.
Diagnose the conflict: Conflict can often fall into different categories -
task conflict (we don't agree over what should be done);
process conflict (we don't agree over how this should be done);
relationship conflict (we don't agree because we don't get along because that person is the issue); and
status conflict (we don't agree because we have different social standing in the group). While conflict might span multiple categories, one of your challenges as a leader is to identify which one is the prime source of conflict so you can address it accordingly.
Decide on how you will handle (address) the conflict. There are several options for this, some more active than others. The one you choose needs to be based on your understanding of the source of the conflict, the type of the conflict, and the specific personalities of people involved in the conflict. So, what are some of the options for handling conflict?
Avoid - as the title implies, you could choose to simply avoid the conflict. Since we're advocates of intentional leadership at 3x5 Leadership, this is not a conflict management technique we readily suggest.
Accommodate - in this method, you look for ways that you can make concessions in order to meet the expressed wishes of one of the parties. While this can work out great for the party you are accommodating, odds are that you are likely going to further upset the other party. In essence, you've settled for a lose-win outcome.
Compete - if you choose to use a competing method, you are going to push for a win-lose outcome, where you are pursuing the opposite strategy to accommodating, pushing hard for one party to gain their desired outcome in each element of the resolution.
Collaborate - this is the classic "win-win" outcome, where parties resolve the conflict in a way that all are mutually satisfied and have used the conflict as a growth opportunity.
Compromise - in a compromise approach, you as the leader ultimately might resort to a mixed bag of the other conflict handling approaches. At the outset, you might seek to avoid the conflict hoping it will go away; when that fails, maybe you shift to accommodating the bigger/louder personality, and then switch to using competition as a means to make the conflict go away. While you may eventually look for ways to collaborate, your actions in the compromise approach may have already done enough damage that there isn't much of a "win-win" outcome to be achieved. Again, the compromise approach
Enact your plan and monitor the results - once you've decided your approach, intentionally and deliberately put that plan into place. A word of caution here - you may have all the best intentions, but if you don't enact the plan AND then monitor the results, you'll find yourself right back in the middle of conflict. You have to set deliberate mechanisms to monitor the resolution to conflict. Remember how we acknowledged that conflict often impacts relationship? Well, relationships take time to heal - as the leader, its not your responsibility to force that healing, but it is your responsibility to ensure the team can operate as a cohesive and effective team. So, if that means that you need to schedule check-ins, revisit communications plans/rules, and spot-check how the parties in conflict are doing based on your conflict resolution plan and approach - then do it!
Ok, let's revisit my story from earlier. Where are we at, on my own team now, in working through this conflict? Well, what started as process conflict devolved into relationship conflict. As a result, I had to try to separate the two types of conflict from each other and deal with each. Frankly, we are working through this. As a leader, I placed some guardrails in place; the bumpers for the bowling lane, if you will. To address the process conflict, I established rules around communication - that all communication, written or verbal, include the "WHY" in each instance, that it remain focused exclusively on the area of expertise that both members specialize in and not expand beyond to other elements of the project, and that if there is a sense of unproductive communication, that both come to their own project managers, individually, and ask for assistance. We've started a weekly synch with the subject matter experts on both teams to ensure we are regularly discussing the way ahead for the project. We’ve also leveraged a monthly "board" where the other subject matter experts for this function meet monthly and have the chance to review any disagreements in process and provide recommendations/guidance for how to move forward. In essence, we're using a collaborative approach first and foremost, but also reserving the right (in a contractual relationship as customer/vendor) to move to a competing approach if necessary.
To address the relationship conflict, well - that's a bit more challenging. We've put some bumpers in place to limit individual personal interaction, laid out clear expectations for timeliness and professionalism in communication and responses, and drawn bright lines on acceptable vs. unacceptable behavior. While we have expressed that we want a collaborative approach for this, I have also had to make it very clear that if necessary, we will use a competing approach - in this case, the "winner" will be the team, and the "loser" will be the individual who fails to comply being moved to work on another project.
Will it remain this way forever? I certainly hope not! My intent is that these rules help to re-establish the common ground for which the relationship was formed in the first place - to work together, as subject matter experts, to assist the project in reaching key milestones. While I would love to see both the process and the relationship restored to a productive and meaningful state, I will have to continue to monitor, adjust, and dare I say - LEAD - to ensure that the team moves from destructive conflict into productive tension.
So - how can you apply what we've discussed today? Are you like me, and dealing with conflict on your team right now? Are you maybe in the center of that conflict yourself? If so, can you identify the type and source of the conflict? What will your approach be to addressing and resolving that conflict? How are you going to enact and then monitor your conflict resolution approach? My hope is that you recognize that to be an intentional leader who creates significant impacts, you realize that it is your privilege to lean into conflict with the goal of guiding and leading your team back into a productive and proactive state.
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